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Hearthand Apagliaricci

Inside Gratitude

The inspiration arrived in the middle of Sacred Dance.

We each work with an intention for five months as a commitment to our own healing. We discuss our intentions every month when we meet. We dance our intentions awake. We makes choices and take action to integrate our intentions into daily life.

Only, when it was my turn to speak. I didn’t have one. In tending to life around me, including my newly published book, I’d forgotten myself.

I decided to dance on it. As I moved with the possibility of “actualization” and “new life” to reflect the arrival of my book, an inner voice urged, “What do you need right now? What are you hungry for?”

Gratitude. That’s what I needed.

Because, despite the gift of my daughter’s current health, despite the beauty of realizing a dream, I was exhausted. I felt like I’d just given birth, only to discover years of child rearing ahead.

And so I committed to gratitude. Not the kind of gratitude that comes from materializing an outer circumstance. Instead, I was hungry to cultivate a sense of gratitude inside. Gratitude as a state of being I could carry into every aspect of life.

I spent the next six weeks in my own personal hell.

I’ve been told that when you activate an intention, you may be tested between 7 and 50 times. It sucks but it makes sense. Making room to receive involves clearing space and stretching open. To be at peace means resolving war.

And so suddenly, I found myself in quite a surrender process. Core fears threatened to materialize. Unexpected waves of grief rose to the surface, leading me to question deep assumptions.

In my willingness to ruthlessly let go, to seriously shred the hopes riding on top of who I thought I was, I found some comfort. I began to feel free.

In the past couple of months daily life has remained steady. But on the inside. Wow. My heart feels years lighter.

The sense of light doesn’t come from knowing anything more about my future. In fact, the opposite. I’m feeling peaceful and patient inside the unknown.

I don’t want to presume I’m done changing or cage what’s happening with too tight a grip. Within that, I can’t help but notice that alongside a new sense of peace and freedom and wonder, sits gratitude as well.

As you enter the holidays, how might you remember to care for yourself? What are you hungry to cultivate in your life? How can you begin to clear space and make room to receive in some way, inside or out?

This post is a part of the Soul Salon, a monthly discussion of the topics that move our spirit. For a list of all of the Soul Salon posts check out the full line up here.

Photo by A. Pagliaricci

  1. Staci Boden
    Staci Boden11-21-2012

    Thanks, Elinor. And yes, so much of everything comes down to just being in this moment, eh?

  2. Elinor Predota
    Elinor Predota11-20-2012

    “To be at peace means resolving war.” Wow, yes! Beautiful.

    As for me, I’m opening to being, in this moment: now, now, now.

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